dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
