the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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