I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The Olympian is in my bed
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