im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
