Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
