I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
