Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
