i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
