dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
