Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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