dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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