Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you will always have a special place in my vag
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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