hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
