i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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