I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He felt like a one man threesome
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
