You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
