I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
