you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
