why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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