Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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