i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
