I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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