Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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