I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
