Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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