Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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