I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All I want is dick and wine.
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