Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
