woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
