I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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