No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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