Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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