She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?