I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
