Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
