I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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