my being single is dangerous.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
