He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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