matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
