If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
