the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
