the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
