Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
