Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
