I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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