I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How external is "for external use only"?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
