Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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