so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
