I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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