I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
