There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
