Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
