naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
