Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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