Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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