whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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